What Next?

Over the course of the past 6 months I have been consumed with finding my footing, trying to raise teenage boys as a single mother and testing the waters of a new relationship. Seems the only thing I am even remotely good at is the raising of my boys. That is a good thing. I love, love, love my kids. Even when they are being smart mouthed, making messes of my freshly mopped floors or irritating me in general. I see my oldest son open doors for old ladies. I watch as he is so patient with the younger kids and the way his eyes light up when he is in the presence of a dog. My youngest son never ceases to make me feel the simple joys of life. Having autism, Justin finds pleasure in the smallest of things. A cookie straight from the oven equates to all the world's riches to him. I need to keep hold of that and keep it close to my heart when I am struggling. My boy's are my world.

I also competed in 2 endurance rides last fall. It had not even been a year since having broken my back. Shaqerriae and I completed 25 miles at Cougar Prowl and 32 miles at Off Road Warrior. I was hoping to do Freeze R Burn this February but it is just not going to happen. No time to condition me or my horse and no money. My next hope is for Blue Bonnet in April or May.

I am pretty certain that things between Jeff and I are over. I should have know that the past is better left alone and that we should have just settled for being friends. I love him. I never told him that because I was scared to. Just the same, I do. Heartbroken as I am, time heals all wounds eventually, right?

WTH?

I quit blogging. Didn't seem important. Still doesn't but it is much cheaper than a therapist!

Since my last blog so much has happened. The biggest happening being that I am getting a divorce. Again. Relationship - Fail. Always the optomist even when I losing, I have been able to find good in this turn of events. I enjoy my kids more. I enjoy myself more. I am learning how to have interpersonal relationships with people outside of my close knit circle. All these years I thought I had come to not like John Q. Public. Turns out, I like him a lot. I am doing things I have never done before and despite the complete frustration of some of them, I like it. I am a pretty self sufficient kinda girl so I'll just grab this particular tiger by the tail and hang on until the tail comes off.

Another big milestone is that I am back to riding my horses and not freaking out thinking that I am going to die every step. I can never repay Di and Sabrina for all they did to get me to this point.

Last but not least I have had an old friend resurface in my life. A friend from a time period that I worked very hard to put in the past because I made so many mistakes with those people and I missed them very badly. Jeff came in the form of a Facebook email late one night in June. I have been seeing him since and he still makes my heart race.

Um, I Don't Think So!

In a recent visit to the gynecologist I came across an concerning item. Now this wouldn't have normally caused me alarm but at this particular time I am undressing and preparing for The Exam. I'm not sure about you but the last thing I want is someone approaching my nether regions with 'Comfort Grip' exam gloves....

Here's Mud In Your Eye!

The husband was going out of town the next day for a week. We had started moving a fenceline that would enable us to access both back pastures more efficiently. We were within striking distance of having it totally finished. It HAD to be done NOW, nevermind the 6 or so inches of rain that had fallen. No problem. We loaded the youngest up in old shoes and off we went. We pulled into the back gate where there used to be an old mobile home. House is gone but the concrete foundation strip slab things remain. The youngest, Justin, stood on a strip and was thrilled to toss pebbles and rocks into a deep rut filled with water. Great! He was happy as a clam so DH and I could get to fence building. As we got involved in our work we kept an ear for Justin along with a quick glance. Evidently he either ran out of rocks or decided it was much more efficient to grab big wads of slimy pebble filled mud and throw them with force into the water. This caused thick, nasty water to splash violently. (Side note to the barn cat: I am sorry but you stupid thing ought to know better than to keep coming back after getting drenched in mud and water. You have 4 legs. Use them) The kid had mud in his hair, ears, and every other square inch of his body. His denim jeans were now whitish-grey. The shoes lost under layers of gooey clay based mud. And to top it all off he wore a smile that made the sun look faded. We finished our fence and it was time to go home. With a wet, slimy, muddy kid. We opened the back door to our poor devoted truck with it's worn out leather seats. Thank God for leather and farm trucks! A wet wash rag and it's good as new. Despite having to strip down to his nickers and a thorough scrubbing he enjoyed his mud bath. All the video games in the world could not have compared.

Spring Fever!

Spring has sprung much to the dismay of my lovely sinus passages. I am all in favor of a Federal bailout if Zyrtec starts going under! I have not blogged for a multitude of reasons. None of them would probably stand up in court but there ya go.

I have been riding Shaqerriae and actually enjoying it. This is huge to me as it was only a few weeks ago that I was apt to burst into tears just sitting on a horse. I am forever indebted to Di and Sabrina for the incredible support and patience they have shown me. I cannot count the pony rides, holding my horse while I mounted, not riding because it was too ___ (fill in the blanks). I got to ride in my time and when I felt comfortable. They understood when I mentally could not do it. How cool is that? I also have to brag on my mare. She knows I am incompetent and she takes care of me. I stay on her back because she allows me to. Certainly that sassy little Arab could have me off in milliseconds if she chose. She is my once in a lifetime horse.

As is the case with spring EVERYTHING is growing. I have mowed and mowed and mowed. I am askeered of our tractor so I mow our little farm with my riding lawnmower that I bought from a garage sale for that purpose. Piece of advice: If you see this mower for sale RUN! It leads a hard life.

Last week, we had to euthanize our beloved Doberman. We got Molly June 1, 2008. She was an awesome dog that fit right into our family as though we had her her entire life. As it was she was 6 the day we picked her up from the SPCA. She was a chronic vomiter although never with any rhyme or reason. She really got bad this last month. A vet appt revealed that she had mega esophagus and there was no cure. We took a week to let this diagnosis sink in. Molly was going downhill very quickly so we made the decision to let her go. She is now buried at our farm where she loved to run. We miss you sweet girl!

No pictures. Honestly I have been too busy with my real life to sit at the computer. Hey, that's a GOOD thing!

Oh, Now THAT Will Be A Safe Home!

Half asleep today and the phone rings. "Honey, are you busy? I need you to look something up on the internet for me." Nope, it wasn't my husband. It was a friend's husband. The second the word 'honey' left his mouth I knew he needed something. I do the same to him but that is irrelevant. Seems the friend's DH was in need of a wildlife rehabilitator. Apparently little Mr. Redneck Country Boy With Too Much Time And A Gun On His Hands thought it a good idea to take aim and fire at what he thought was a squirrels' nest waaaay up in a tree. Nevermind that he has no idea of what a squirrels' nest looks like. What he shot instead was a hawk. Shooting hawks is illegal in Texas. I graciously offered to call the authorities and turn him in but he took the wind out of my sails when he informed me that he had already told on himself. Damned the bad luck! What he thought was a juvenile Red Tailed Hawk was later identified by the wildlife rehabber as an adult male Red Shouldered Hawk. The friend's DH clipped his wing but the bird should be just fine. The husband, on the other hand, might be in need of a rehabilitator of his own after what happened next.

On his way back home he called me to tell me that he got his bird off to the rehabber and guess what she gave him? For reasons I will never wrap my mind around, this rehabber saw fit to give 2 fertile turkey eggs to this man that just brought her a wounded bird THAT HE SHOT so he could hatch them. At first he asked if I would hatch them as I have an incubator. No way, Jose! Those are YOUR problems! He will be borrowing the incubator and hatching his own eggs. It wasn't but mere seconds from hanging up with him that his wife called me. And she was hot. She is so very not amused that he is bringing home eggs to hatch. She and I did the chicken hatching and rearing thing for a while. We got tired of keeping the coyotes fat and sassy. We are so over the raising of fowl yet he dares to bring TURKEY eggs home! I hope those birds grow up fast and relocate lest someone go squirrel hunting again!

Glory Days

I miss this. I miss the conditioning rides that made me so sore I walked funny the next day. I miss getting in shape so that I didn't hurt the next day. I miss the miles, the trails, the conversation, the rush, the sync with my horse. I miss the much anticipated shower and crashing in bed only to awake to my husband bringing me coffee in bed the next day because I was spent from riding my horse and getting a completion. I miss hoping for my first 50.

It seems that life altered my wanna be endurance career starting with my soulmate horse getting injured days before a ride. A long rehab lay ahead. Things just progressed. I had hoped to do BlueBonnet in a few days but I can't. I can't because I am fat. I can't because my back hurts. I can't because I freeze every time I am on my horse and a leaf rustles. I can't because I am terrified to ride. Yet still I want to do just that. I want to ride and sweat and be at one with my horse as she hits her big trot and eats the trail up, working for me and me alone. Our bodies and minds one.

I am trying to get back there. I rode Shaqerriae yesterday for an hour and a half. A bit in a field and mostly in the arena. I trotted and trotted and today I am sore. I am sure she is too. My doctor put me on some medication that is allowing me to be a bit more physically active. I am trying to find my way back to endurance riding. Or if that is not to be, then at least riding.

The photo above was taken at the last year of Frigid Digit. The horse I am atop is LL Cruzin Altitude. I was riding him for Di. Well, no I wasn't. To say that I rode "Stilts" would be a lie. I hung on, gritted my teeth, closed my eyes and prayed that I would still be with him as we crossed the finish line. Stilts did not require a rider when it came to endurance. A rider was merely a passenger that was not to interfere with his game plan. That game plan was to go 90mph over and through whoever and whatever was in his way. I don't think I was ever happier to get off of a horse's back than I was Stilts' the day of this ride. I also don't think I miss past horses quite as bad as I do Stilts. Di sold him not long after this ride. My husband offered to buy him for me but I knew he was too much horse for me. I regret letting him slip through my fingers.